When I moved to Austin, I started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. I thought it would get me in shape and maybe help with self-defense. What I didn't expect was getting beaten up regularly by people who seemed to move like they were dancing while I flailed around like a confused fish.
After getting bruised up for weeks, I asked a brown belt for advice. "How long until I get promoted from white belt to blue belt?" I asked, hoping for some encouragement.
His answer wasn't what I wanted to hear. "Three years," he said. "And then three more years for each belt after that. You just have to suffer through it. You'll play defense for a long time because you don't know any attacks yet. Eventually, things will click. But even when you reach black belt after 12 to 15 years, there will still be people who can throw you around like a rag doll."
That's when it hit me. Getting good at anything isn't just about wanting it. There's a specific dance you have to do. You have to go through the motions, show up regularly, and stick with it even when it sucks.
Life is Full of Games
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that most things in life work this way. There are games everywhere, and each one has its own dance.
Take the career game. You want a good job that pays well. But to get that computer science job, you need to pass interviews. And those interviews? They're full of data structure and algorithm questions. So you end up grinding LeetCode problems for hours, even though half of them have nothing to do with the actual job you want.
Most people don't like LeetCode. It's repetitive and often feels pointless. But if I want that job, I have to play the game. I have to shut up and dance.
The fitness game works the same way. You want to be healthy and strong. So you lift weights, run, and eat boring chicken and vegetables. It's not always fun, but it's the dance you do to get what you want.
Even social situations have their own games. When you're the new person in a group, you have to learn the unwritten rules. You watch how people talk, what jokes they make, what they care about. Then you slowly adjust how you act until you fit in.
Sampling Reality
Here's what I think happens when we do this dance. Every time we try something, we're basically asking reality a question. We perform an action and see what happens. It's like testing the water from a tap - most of the time it works, but sometimes you're in a drought and nothing comes out.
When you first start giving job interviews, you get surprised by all kinds of questions. You don't know what to expect. But after enough interviews, you start seeing patterns. You learn what types of questions come up and how to handle them. You're getting better at reading the situation.
This is what I call sampling reality. The more you try something, the more data you collect about how the world actually works. You start to understand the game better.
At first, outcomes feel random. You might nail one interview and bomb the next for no clear reason. But as you get more experience, you can start pushing things in your favor. You recognize situations you've seen before and know how to respond.
The downside is that sometimes you think you understand the pattern when you really don't. You might have a few good experiences and assume that's how things always work. Then reality smacks you in the face. This happens when you don't have enough experience yet but think you do.
The Dance is the Point
I used to think the dance was just something you had to get through to reach your goal. But now I think the dance is actually the point. The process of showing up and going through the motions is what changes you.
In BJJ, I'm not just learning techniques. I'm learning how to stay calm when someone bigger is trying to choke me. I'm learning that getting beaten up isn't the end of the world. I'm building the kind of person who can handle pressure.
The same thing happens with everything else. Grinding through LeetCode problems isn't just about memorizing algorithms. It's about building the discipline to do hard things when you don't feel like it. It's about getting comfortable with being confused and working through problems anyway.
The dance teaches you things that you can't learn any other way. You can read about BJJ techniques all day, but you won't really understand them until someone is actually trying to submit you. You can study interview guides, but you won't know how you react under pressure until you're sitting across from someone who might decide your future.
Just Start Dancing
Most people spend too much time thinking about whether they want to do the dance. They research the perfect gym, the ideal study schedule, the best way to network. They're looking for a shortcut that doesn't exist.
But here's the thing - you learn what the dance looks like by doing it, not by thinking about it. You figure out the rules of the game by playing, not by watching from the sidelines.
When I started BJJ, I had no idea what I was getting into. I just showed up. When I decided I wanted a tech job, I just started applying and doing practice problems. The path became clear as I walked it.
The games are everywhere. The career game, the fitness game, the relationship game, the creative game. Each one has its own dance, its own rules, its own way of beating you up until you get better.
You don't have to like the dance. You just have to do it. Show up consistently, pay attention to what works, and keep going even when it's boring or hard or frustrating.
Eventually, you'll get good enough at the dance that it starts to feel natural. And then you'll realize that becoming the kind of person who can dance through hard things was the real goal all along.
